Sunday, March 6, 2011


i have NO idea what happened to february. no. effing. clue.

i'm not gonna run through what i've been doing... i mean, who wants to hear why i DIDN'T post for a month?
all i can say is everything i said i was gonna do?
didn't do it.
at all.
for the whole month.
if any part of this had been recorded and submitted online, i'd have to ask Tosh for a web redemption.

so, i'm going to pretend that march is my january. this is the beginning of my year...all over again. i'm restarting my resolutions. i really have no other choice.
if you had asked me last month how things were going, i would have told you "fine. i'm fat. i'll always be fat."
you know how you fill out forms and it asks you to check the boxes?
here are my boxes: female...check, caucasian...check, fat....check.
it's just who i am...or at least who i was resigned to be last month.
i had no motivation...none. i didn't feel like i NEEDED to do anything. i mean, my hubby loves me the way i am. i really have no one else to impress. soooooo...who cares, right?

but. my month of gluttony is wearing on me BIG TIME! i feel like crap.
complete, total, utter blah.
my stomach is in constant rebellion, i don't ever feel rested, and i never have the desire to do anything.

guess what...i'm TIRED of feeling like that!!!
done. over it.

that is my new motivation. and if you've been around me the past week, you know i've been busy busy busy. cleaning the house. redoing the girls' room. making my humble little home a bit happier and prettier to live in day by day.

my lapse of judgement throughout february seemed to actually be exactly what i needed. the swift kick in the ass that's encouraged me like nothing else in the past. i now want to change FOR ME. no one else. just me.
my husband loves me this way...always have...always will. fat or skinny.
my girls love me this way...always have...always will. they've never known me as anything but fat.
guess who doesn't love me this way? me.

you know dr. phil and oprah and jenny craig and whoever else tells you nothing will ever change until you decide to do something for yourself...not for others.
i'm at that point.

i'm finally ready. let's do this.

Thursday, February 3, 2011


i thought i posted something last week.
apparently not.
my "agent" (a.k.a. lauren) yelled at me via text tonight to find out why i hadn't posted.

i typed something was very witty.
full of amazing and inspirational things, i'm sure.
but it's gone.
fallen into the black hole of cyberspace.
don't know where it went...clueless.

i was avoiding weighing myself this week.
i mean, asking a woman who's pms-ing to weigh herself might actually be cause for justifiable homicide.
stepping on a scale when i'm SUPER moody? noooooo beuno.

but i did it.

for lauren.
(this is gonna cost her...she just doesn't know it yet)

i'm still not doing so hot on the "move more" part of things. not sure why.
the weather? the season? exhaustion from work?
what i do know is that i'm really good at coming up with excuses NOT to do anything.
i'm a pro at that.

this week, we had a major winter storm...about 3 inches of ice on my driveway, sidewalk, and grass. i've been trapped in the house with my girls since monday night.
you can't even walk from my back door to the mailbox without chicken wire wrapped around your shoes and a walking not much activity going on here.

i did, however, help push the mailman out of our neighbor's driveway. that's gotta count for something.
(my oldest daughter now thinks i'm like the strongest woman in the world.)
but, in the process, i totally wiped out on the ice.
face first.
instant whiplash.
now i'm sore as can be. (that's my excuse to not do anything right now. see? told you i was good at excuses.)

anyway, i know i need to do something. i just don't know what.
i know that i will NOT follow through with or maintain any kind of activity i don't like. (and there aren't too many that i'm fond of.)

i do like to dance. let me clarify...this does not mean i'm a good dancer. nope. never said that. but i like to boogie.
so i'm thinking about picking up the Zumba video game or dvd. or maybe something like just dance 2.

when we got the wii fit last year, about the only thing i enjoyed was the "dance" portion. unfortunately, their idea of dancing is: step up, clap. step down, clap. step right, kick. step left, kick.
well, that's no damn fun.

but i hear that these new games actually involve whole body movement...real-life dancing.
so, what's your opinion? do you have any of those games or dvd's? is there one you prefer over the other? i'd like some input before i throw away $$.

(and, lauren? you owe me.)

Thursday, January 20, 2011



i broke 240? whoo-hooo!

not sure how i did it. wish i could tell you, but i don't really know.
let's review my resolutions, and you'll understand.

1.move more - FAIL - lol! honestly...i am sooooo bad at this. i think, well, it'll be easy. cleaning house (which i hate), taking walks (duh, it's fun), and being silly with the girls (i'm so freaking tired). and i know what you're thinking. you're thinking, "aja, if you move more, you won't be so tired". yeah, i know. but how the hell do i get over that obstacle? i think my only hope is for sarah t. to show up at my door and drag my jiggly ass to the gym. (and sarah? i'll let you know where i hide my spare key so you can sneak in and kidnap me) food - PASS - so far... my resolution was to limit this to no more than twice a month. well, it's the 20th, and i filled my quota yesterday. but, you know what? it's so funny. when i had to pick something up for dinner last night, i was like "crap, this is my last fast food meal for january." i kept going back and forth. should i really pick something up?? really? but i think the fact that it's such an inner turmoil for me to use my 2 x's means i'm trying to stick to it.

3.leave some food on the plate - PASS & FAIL - i didn't realize until i sat down to type this that i'm failing at lunch. i don't even consider leaving food on the plate because most of what i eat at lunch contains very small portions and barely even fill me up. i'm rockin this out at dinner time, though! well, except the one night my hubby made bbq ribs and mac-n-cheese. i kind of forgot to leave anything after that was all so good! anyway, i digress. every night, i make a concious effort to leave 3 or 4 bites on my plate. i keep flashing back to that commercial and thinking about how much food that will ultimately add up to over time. how much i will NOT be putting in my body. i also just realized that i have not gone back for seconds. at all. not once. crazy, i tell ya! madness! when i'm hungry - FAIL - this is much easier when i'm at home, because food is easily available. at school, i kind of feel like i can't/shouldn't just bust out a snack and eat in front of my 2nd graders. that would be kind of mean. so i don't snack. i made sure i have them available in my room, but i don't pull them out. that, however, leads to one major problem. by the time i leave work at 3:05, i'm STARVING. which means when i get home, i want to binge. and it's kind of hard not to. inspiring - ??? - no clue on this one.

if you're still reading this long-ass post, thank you!
i'm off to make fun of the american idol auditions.

p.s. if anyone else besides sarah t. feels the urge to drag me somewhere and make me move, i promise to be a very willing abductee.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011


lookie here...lookie here!!!
we're gonna try this again.

i kind of fizzled out last year.
slowly slipped back into old habits.
started caving to fast food again.
and ice cream.
had a fight with the scale...we haven't spoken since september.
stopped exercising and started using the wii fit board as a lap desk. (well, not really, but now that I think of it...)

but it's a new start.
i know this is when everyone jumps on the resolution bandwagon (and i must give in to peer pressure so i jumped right on the bandwagon too).

this year, i have some resolutions.
this year, i hope to keep them (but don't we all??)


here they are:

1. move more - do something every day. clean, dance like a crazy person with the girls, take a walk, wii fit...whatever. just some sort of active movement every day.

2. fast food? - no more than 2x's a month. i have to be realistic. i'm busy and i have 2 kids. fast food IS going to happen. but i can limit it. hopefully that will be just as friendly to my wallet as it will be to my waistline.

3. leave some food on the plate - have you ever seen that commercial? where they show a month's worth of plates with 2 or 3 bites left on them? and when you look at it as whole, it's amazing the amount of food you are NOT eating. so i'm gonna try it. i'm not gonna take 2 bites and be done, but i can certainly afford to leave a couple bites on the plate.

4. eat when i'm hungry - i'm not sure i could do the strict calorie plan that one of my friends is doing. not sure i'm that disciplined. but i can find or buy or make (bah! that last one's funny if you really know me) healthy snacks to keep with me. just a little something so i'm not hungry/starving and don't run home from work and binge.

5. don't just be inspiring - i've had a lot of recent inspiration. lots of friends doing amazing things for themselves...(sarah t., tiffany h.) you guys amaze me.
and kind of make me jealous. like the "i'm-not-sure-i-can-be-your-friend-you-skinny-bitch" kind of jealous. now? i need to be one of the ones inspiring others. i need to quit listening to their stories and thinking "damn, if only that were me" and actually MAKE IT HAPPEN!

so folks, there they are.
my fat girl goals for 2011.
wish me luck!