Thursday, January 28, 2010


well...i'm a bit late in posting this week.

maybe because when tuesday came around, i was stuffing my face with chili cheese fries at my monthly ladies night out.

or because when wednesday came around, i felt like i'd been run over by a semi.

or because i missed my wii fit 5 times this past week.

or because all i could think to post was "no comment" for fear that i wouldn't be able to rationalize how much i suck.

who knows...

my slip off the wagon was a combination of everyone in the family being sick...and tired...and sick and tired of being sick and tired. that, missed workouts, and too many cheats. 2 days of fast food, and a ladies night out make not a jealousy-inducing skinny bitch.

however, do not be alarmed. i absolutely LOATHE myself for slipping out of my routine. i'm not just having a pity's that i actually FEEL what i'm missing. and what's better? i actually WANT to get back on track.

i've realized my shortcomings, and i've learned to accept them.
1. if i don't HAVE TO do something, i probably won't do it.
2. i'm very tempted by absolutely yum-inducing, artery-clogging food. if it's near me, i'll eat it.
3. and i am the QUEEN of procrastination. if i don't do something when i'm thinking of it, it won't
happen until tomorrow {or the next day...}.

here's what i'm doing so they don't overpower me.
1. i am pounding it into my brain that i HAVE TO DO THIS!!! for me, for my husband, for my kids, and for that skinny bitch inside me that's dying to get out. i do not like the way i feel after having a couple fast food tacos {even the ones from the fresco menu, thank you very much taco bell}. i hate the way i feel after missing my workouts. so, i simply HAVE to do this.

2. i can cheat...i'm allowed. i have to be. if not, i'd be the 16 year old daughter who can't go out with her boyfriend and then arranges pillows under her blankets to meet him at 2am. my solution? MODERATION. (that's the word of the day kids) i tell myself i can have it, but only a little bit of it. because really...that's all i want. those first one or two bites are really what we all live for anyway. it's that initial taste...not the whole gut-busting, belly-stretching 5-scoop sundae. you'll be happy to know that, even on my one-night-out-a-month-no-holds-barred-your-allowed-to-cheat tuesday night, i didn't eat all of those chili cheese fries. i'm not even sure i made it through half of them. i knew i had "permission" to eat them all if i wanted...but i didn't WANT to. crazy, i know.

3. no one puts things off like me. i will pick clothes out of the laundry pile until it's down to the t-shirt you never want to be seen in and one sock rather than put it away. i have discovered the latest possible minute i have to climb out of bed in order to make it to work on time, and i hit snooze over and over until that last possible minute. the closer i get to the deadline, the better i perform. so, i have adjusted my schedule. as soon as i get home, i put my things away, change my clothes, and turn on the wii. if i even THINK of sitting down, jackson has to bribe me to do my workout. you don't even want to know what happens when my ass sinks into it's nicely contoured spot on the couch. by then, you can forget it!

the one other thing i've been struggling with is consistency. not in what i'm doing, but in what i'm weighing. i'm trying to weigh in around the same time each day, but there's still too much of a variable. so, i've considered weighing in naked. {i apologize to those of you who now have a picture in their head that will only be removed by months of therapy} but, if you're reading this, and you're a woman who wants to lose weight, has lost weight, or is trying to lose weight, you KNOW that we will take every OUNCE of weight "loss" we get, even if it means stripping everything, including the ponytail and the wedding rings. {bet you're glad now that i stuck to that no-picture thing!}

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


well, it's not much. but at least i'm going in the right direction.

i gotta tell you, though...this past week was R-O-U-G-H! not sure why exactly. it was just plain AWFUL! i was soooo stressed at work (who knew 7 year olds could gang up on you!?!?!?) and i'm trying really hard not to deal with that stress by eating/chilling/vegging/or whatever other "i-deserve-it" i think i've earned.

i've done wii fit plus for 10 days now. yup, you heard me...10 days! i've been increasing the length of my "workout" a little each day. i'm up to about 28-30 minutes. (i know it's not much right now, steps) my two faves are rhythm boxing (especially when i pretend i'm punching certain people) and advanced stepping (which is kind of like the electric slide and enjoyable until i remember i'm actually exercising).

the most frustrating part so far? watching my hubby weigh and and fairly consistently lose weight. me? i'm pretty much a bouncy ball...up, down, all over the place. you know those cartoony commercials where the woman says "this is what happens when HE stops drinking soda" and the guy magically turns into some fabio-esque hunk? and then the woman says "this is what happens when I stop drinking soda" and her boobs shrink or drop to her waist?? yeah...i keep brainstorming new versions of those commercials. although mine generally involve the unsolved murder of my well-meaning husband.

the hardest part so far? KNOWING that i will see results in the future. KNOWING that, if i stick to my guns, maintain my new outlook on food, and continue to be active, i WILL see changes. but, dammit! i'm an instant gratification kind of girl!! at 2 1/2 weeks in, i would like to see more dramatic and noticeable changes...more loss. (i'd also really like to wake up a size 8 tomorrow, but i KNOW that's not going to happen) so, this is where my friends come in. my support group. help a girl out!

it's just soooo hard when you have so many other things weighing on your mind. when you are absolutely, drop dead, mentally and physically exhausted. i mean, who wants to eat rabbit food and sweat their ass off when their world is crashing down around them. (okay, that might be a little over-dramatic...but that's what it felt like this past week.) damn this is hard!!

i's waaaay too early for me to be floundering. trust me...i'm NOT giving up. i haven't thought for a second that i can't do this. this past week was just extreme!

i also think i need to post more often. there were several times this week that i wanted to get on her and vent. rant about everything that sucks and brag that i didn't drown my sorrows in an entire pint of ben & jerry's "phish food". i just thought that it might be too much...too many words and no pictures. (although i'm pretty sure that NO ONE wants to see pictures of me in progress - not that you could pay me to do that anyway.) perhaps i could post pictures of all the food i'm not eating. then we could all look at the screen and drool, eating vicariously through the blog. i didn't want to run you off with wordy, pictureless posts. then i thought "they can suck it...this is for me! i can post as much as i want" (then i thought "OMG! don't post that! everyone will stop reading and then you'll be all alone.")

so, hopefully, you're still following me (with or without pictures) and will continue to support me in this. love you all! thanks for helping me make it this far.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


down almost 2 pounds...

don't get excited. my weight fluctuates like that from minute to minute. if i use the restroom, weigh in at different times of the day, eat more, eat less, fluctuates.

i will not be excited until i see it below 250.

so, what's my plan you might ask?

i've been MUCH more aware lately of what i've been eating. i look at food now and think, "how will i talk about this on my blog?!?" you know, if i want some ice cream, i have to have a reeeeaallly good reason to eat it so i can explain it to you. if not, i don't do it. silly, i know...but it's helping me stay accountable.

i've also tried to start looking at food as just food. it's not a reward, it doesn't make me feel better, i don't deserve it, it won't change my mood. it is simply there to nourish my body. that has helped me tremendously. because i'm considering it nothing more than something that keeps my motor running and here on earth another day with my family, i tend to grab more fruits and veggies. if i want to hang around for a while, i need to be i'm choosing healthier foods.

don't get me wrong...i've already given myself permission/built in some "cheats". one day a week, i don't worry about what i eat. it's not a scheduled day, and i don't eat fast food for every meal, but sometimes when our schedule is crazy/busy/hectic/out of control, it's just easier to not stress about peeling carrots and slicing apples. sometimes, my cheat is just something little...a couple pieces of chocolate or a dessert.

now, i know the healthy eating is only a part of slimming down into the skinny bitch that everyone loves to hate (which, by the way, is my ultimate goal...10 years from now).

i know that i have to be more active. i have to move...stop making sure the couch doesn't float away every single second i'm home. i'm working on that end, too. wanna know what i decided to do?

we bought wii fit plus...the one with the balance board. it has yoga, aerobics, etc. i know you're laughing at me right now...stop it! lol i just knew i had to pick something that STARTED me off on the right foot. don't think this will be my be-all/end-all exercise routine. no way. but for now, spending all my time inside during another lovely ohio winter, i had to do something that seemed a little bit like fun. it's starting small...taking those little steps to start and building up from there. as the weather changes, gets warmer, i will start to spend more time outside. walking. taking the girls to the park. maybe even a little tennis...(probably not).

the best part of this wii fit plus? i can challenge my husband. we set up our programs on the same day. we set the same weight loss goal (10 pounds in one month) and we're competing to see who will reach it first. we're gonna go out to a fancy restaurant and have a 7-course meal, including dessert to celebrate. (just kidding...but wouldn't that be a goal to work towards!!)

one of my biggest problems in the past was i tried to do everything on my own. no one knew that i was trying to work out/diet/lose weight (mainly because i didn't TELL them). and man-oh-man did that make it EASY to cheat!! now, my husband's in it with me.

and, friends and family.

i know this is only my second post, and i don't really know if ANYONE will ever "happen across" it, but i've made a decision. when i did my last post, i had convinced myself that i wasn't going to tell anyone about this blog until i started losing weight. until i could celebrate my successes. i mean, who wants EVERYONE they know to actually know how fat they really are?!?

but, it's not like you can't tell by looking at me. and, i know that i will NEED THE SUPPORT of all of my family and friends to move along in this journey and STICK to it! i also realized that my closest and dearest friends and family (the ones i'm getting ready to tell) love me for me and don't care about that number i type as my blog heading. they only care that i'm working towards making it shrink.

so, once i've let the cat out of the bag, and you hop by to read this, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE start leaving me comments. encourage me, help me, share your stories. i'm soooooo gonna need it!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


are you f***ing kidding me???

that's me. right now. as i sit here on my FAT ASS typing this first post.
THAT IS ME! 257.8 pounds.
oh. my. god.

i'd like to ask "how did this happen?" but, i won't because i know the answer. i eat poorly and i'm LAZY. this weight didn't sneak up on me. i've been fat for a long time now. started putting on the weight in college...and never stopped. sadly, i was even a blob on my wedding day. i'm kind of at my plateau now. haven't fluctuated much from this weight for several years now.

i'm just to the point now where i'm DONE!!! i'm soooo OVER BEING FAT!!! i know we ALL resolve at the start of EVERY new year that THIS will be the year. well, this WILL be the year for me, dammit! i know what i need to do. i know what i have to do. i've just never WANTED to do it before.

now, i'm ready.

i figured i needed something "concrete". something that was out there that couldn't disappear. i figures if i put my weight in print (which i plan to do as the heading of each of my posts), i can't deny it. you know, kind of like when you eat something that no one sees you eat, so you think it doesn't count? {and you KNOW you've done that!} i mean, i KNOW i'm fat. my friends and family KNOW i'm fat. but it's like, as long as they don't see the numbers on the scale or know what i actually weigh, they can't "prove it", right?
now, there's no denying it.

i want this blog to be a place where i can openly (and embarrassingly) share my struggles and triumphs. {i'm hoping there are many more of that 2nd one!} i want to be myself.

right now, it's just here for me...and you. i hope you happened across this blog and liked it. i hope you tell your friends about it. for now, it's for me, but i want it to be for "us". i'd like to find people out there who know what i'm going through...who are going through or have gone through the same thing. i hope you come back and post your own stories and comments.

i plan to be open and honest. i promise to post at least once a week {and please yell at me if i don't}. i pledge to not hide things like when i fall off the wagon and sneak a pint of ice cream. and i will try REALLY HARD to not use ALL CAPS when i'm excited about a few dropped pounds...or something smaller like being able to walk around the block without thinking i'm going to die. i just hope you're here to help me through it.